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10 Tips on How to Survive Durian Season

It’s back! The season where everyone somehow smells like durian, whether they like the fruit or not. This is a rough season for both lovers and non-lovers alike. There are, and will be, challenges along the way. I have come forward to offer you ten tips on how to survive the next few months of durian season. I’m not sure what the word ‘survive’ is or who these tips are meant for, but I hope you find it applicable in your daily life during this festive season:

1. If you don’t like durian and you’re from a family who do: move houses. There is nothing more annoying in the world than being forgotten for something you dislike by your own blood line. Clearly these people do not deserve to be related to you. Move houses, stop paying the bills in the old house and live as a recluse somewhere in interior Tutong. Careful about selecting a location though! There are plenty of durian trees in the district.
2. Bring a perfume with you at all times to avoid the lingering smell of durian sticking to your clothes. Even if you haven’t made contact with a durian, you’ll still end up smelling like one. Not everyone wants to make out with you if you smell like durian! I like durian, and even I wouldn’t want to make out with you, but that could be because of your terrible personality (PS: you’re a horrible person, I’m glad we had this talk!)
3. Don’t use durian perfume when you’re trying to avoid smelling like one. God! Stop complaining how your clothes smell like durian, it’s your own fault for buying that perfume from The Body Shop! I don’t care if it’s on sale!
4. To support the season, shape your hair like durian’s thorn. Colour it green for better effect.  People will no longer ask you the question, “do you eat durian?” If someone continues to ask, headbutt them with your sharp hair.
5. To avoid your house from smelling like durian, bring in cockroaches into your house and let the scent fight each other. Nature has a way to figure this out. Please tell me the result. 
6. Wear a sarong while gathered around a durian to get in touch with your Southeast Asian roots. Whoever argues that you’re not traditional can go suck on a thorn (that is on your durian-style hair.)
7. If you love durians: stock up! Don’t be stingy, your bonus is coming!
8. Drink loads of water because a durian can kill you [citation needed].
9. Don’t start a durian eating restaurant unless you plan on being close for a great majority of the year. This isn’t a good idea, you’ve told me this suggestion before. I’m just looking out for you, friend.
10. Buy a new car to get rid of the durian scent. Don’t be stingy, your bonus is coming!

Have a good durian season!